She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
