My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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