so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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