my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
