you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
