Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
