All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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