who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize