the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
