I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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