I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
