My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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