I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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