im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
