I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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