3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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