She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize