end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
