dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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