dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
