I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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