he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
