my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Send help, water and tortillas.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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