my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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