Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
