this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
worst night to have a conscience
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
