So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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