im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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