a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
