that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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