tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize