and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
