She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
