If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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