If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
