So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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