also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize