You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
