true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
