No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
