Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
