I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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