It's Friday. Sex?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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