My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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