Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
