Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
