I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
