the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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