I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
