I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just googled if crying burns calories
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
