I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
