that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
