I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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