I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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