this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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