Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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