Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize