Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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