Who did Billy Mays play for?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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