duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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