This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
