One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
