i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
