we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
