cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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