I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
