I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
